mini me, childrens book editing, developmental editing

“Mini Me” – Book Editing Example of a Childrens Book


Thank you for ordering my editing service. My comments are in pink.

I always go through a client’s work as a first time reader would and make note of anything that may or may not be an issue for the reader.

I will make positive comments on things that work well and comments on things that need work.

I’m a writer myself and know the struggles so, I appreciate your artistic perspective and discipline. My intent is only to better the story and you as a writer.

This is the spirit in which I edit your document. Let the reviewing begin!


Getting To Know Mini-Me

Introducing, Mini-Me!

You may know him, or her, already.

If you have had the pleasure of meeting Mini-Me, that’s awesome. You know how special Mini-Me is!

If not, that’s OK. Mini-Me wants to meet you!

Mini-Me is more like you than any of the friends you know.

**Right now, we’re not sure who Mini-Me is although by the name it infers it’s a smaller version of someone.

However, the term “Mini-Me”has been made popular through the Austin Powers movies starring Mike Meyers. It’s never a good idea to blatantly take something that is already popular and use it to as a main theme in a kids book (or for adults). The only time this is really acceptable is fan fiction. Then everyone who reads it knows it’s an homage to the original.

Also, there is no main character in the beginning. Get kids to “attach” themselves to the hero/heroine as soon as possible. This helps put them in the story too.


Mini-Me will most definitely be one of your more unusual friends, even quite strange.

You see, Mini-Me is not a friend you will ever be able to see!

“WHAT?” you may ask. “That is RIDIC-U-LOUS! How can you have a friend you can’t see?”

Well, you can.

I have to say here… it seems a bit presumptuous to say Mini-Me will be an unusual friend and strange. We still don’t know exactly who Mini- Me is. Pictures will help, but the story needs to fit the words. Pictures are really just a back up to the storytelling.

Also, this sounds (so far) like a story that’s geared to children ages 4-6. There are very specific age groups that publishers, including the self-publishing industry, categorize books in. That definitely needs to be taken into consideration before publishing.


Mini-Me is the voice you hear inside your head. OK! We finally find out who Mini-Me is. However, I would strongly suggest you use a different name. A completely new and made-out-of-thin-air name. Think like a child on this. Kids want to latch onto something when they learn something new.

For example; instead of Mini-Me it could be “The Inside Me” and “The Outside Me” to differentiate what goes on inside of us and what we say and do. Or you could just name it “Sam”.


Sometimes Mini-Me talks at the speed of lightning, fast enough to feel like your brain may explode!

Other times Mini-Me can show up as a feeling, a squirmy, oozy, tickly feeling in your tummy. Mini-Me can make your heart beat so fast it can feel as though it will pop out of your chest!

If you were to imagine what Mini-Me looks like, picture a tiny, weeny, person, just like you.

OK… Without an actual main character you’re talking at kids and telling them how they feel. Right now, it’s not engaging. Kids want a story they can take a ride on.

I can see where you’re going and I think it’s a great lesson. I would encourage you to create a character and get these principles across through him/her. That way the kids can put themselves in the protagonist’s place and understand and retain more.


“OK” you might say, “I’m still not sure. How else can I get to know Mini-Me?”

Mini-Me celebrates when you have done something great, “Well done! Bravo! You were excellent!” Mini-Me will flutter in your belly and smile from ear to ear.

Mini-Me will cheer you on when things are tough, “Keep on trying. Don’t give up! You CAN do it!”


At times Mini- Me may confuse you with questions you can’t answer. You may not like the way you feel. Mini-Me will buzz around inside your head, “Hey, do you think that’s ok for you? Would you like to check that with somebody? Hey, Hey, Hey! I want you to check that with somebody.” At times you will wonder if Mini-Me really is good a friend at all.

Again… if we could see all this happen through a character and watch them struggle with descriptive language, it would be much more engaging.

We’d then want to celebrate with the Mini-Me thoughts that would be so much stronger to really get your message across.


But, never fear. Mini-Me most certainly is! Mini-Me certainly is…. What? I don’t see how this has answered a question. So far there isn’t any real action/adventure that a child can get caught up in.

Mini-Me can be known by other names. Intuition, Your Inner Child, The Holy Spirit and God With-in, are a few.

More importantly, Mini-Me cares deeply and is a trusted friend you can count on. This little, Mini-Me is always there, just for you. Mini-Me never makes us feel bad without a reason and can guide you to what is right, and wrong, and keep you safe. Mini-Me Loves YOU!

You’ve made a lot of good points above. Mini-Me goes by many names. I still think it would be wonderful if you made up a fun fantastical name instead of using Mini-Me.

I would also suggest including in this message that our Mini-Me/Intuition/Holy Spirit etc. is the good voice we hear inside. Sometimes that inner voice is not so positive and it would be nice for kids to understand that the “bad” voice is coming from a different place.

Let’s Talk about Finn.

Finn’s Mum introduced him to Mini-Me when he was a four years old. Mini-Me is her great friend and has helped her many times, with good and not so good stuff.

Finn trusted his Mum and learned how to really hear and feel Mini-me. He got to know Mini-Me very well.

Ok.. now you’ve introduced a character but I don’t know how he/she relates to the rest of the story. Who exactly is Finn?

His Mum introduced him to Mini-Me at 4 but then it says how Mini-Me helped her many times. It’s getting confusing. These are young children you’re aiming this too.

Be very clear or they will lose interest. You want to write a book that children will pull off the shelf over and over again. They will if there are relatable characters who are engaged in adventures that take them and wonderful journeys.


Finn lived in the country and caught a bus to and from school every day. Finn loved the ride. He got to chat to his friends and do his homework. Finn liked the bus driver and often sat up front and shared stories about his favorite hobby, fishing.

Now we have some real information about Finn and who he is and what he likes to do. It might be a good idea to add some dialogue too. Instead of telling us that he likes the bus driver show the dialogue they had about fishing.

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childrens book editing, developmental editing



One day on a trip home, Finn sat up front with the driver. While they were talking, the driver told Finn a story about himself as a boy. Finn’s tummy tied up in knots. He felt confused and he wasn’t sure why? Finn had never heard those words before and he was uncomfortable with the way the driver spoke. What Words??!!! Tell us! This is the time that children will really be on the edge of their seats. If you give us dialogue and then tell us Finn felt queasy hearing the words that can be impactful.

Finn did not like the look on the driver’s face and was unsure why he said it was to be their secret. He was the only passenger left on the bus and Finn felt frightened. He just knew this secret was not a good one to keep. Since when did their talking become a secret? Mini-Me stormed into action, “Hey Finn, those words don’t sound right. Those words don’t feel right.” Finn’s tummy was suddenly upset and his body felt tight all over.

You are starting to address a very significant problem here. This is good and important. There has to be more of a build up though or the message won’t have power.

Show us more of the relationship of Finn and the driver. Tell us, using descriptive phrases appropriate for the book’s age group. Show how it was fun at first and then it started not to be. Show us how/where/when that pleasant relationship turned and when Mini-Me kicks in.


At home Finn felt angry and he wasn’t sure why. He fought with his brother and was very cheeky to his Mum.

Upset he had acted this way, Finn went into his room. He closed the door and lay on his bed. Finn was still and very quiet.

Mini-Me was not! Mini-Me was badgering away, “Hey Buddy! You really ought to tell somebody how you feel. It’s not right to feel this way. You need to talk to somebody!”

Right now we have no idea why Finn is in a bad mood other than the bus driver said some words that upset him. We don’t know what those words are though because we don’t know exactly what transpired.


Finn’s Mum sensed he was not happy, went into his room and sat on his bed. She gently spoke. “Finn, is there something you need to talk about as you seem really bothered?” Finn burst into tears. His Mum cuddled him and said it was OK. “I’m here to listen. If you need my help, you can talk to me. I’m your Mum and there is nothing you can tell me that will make me love you any less.”

This is a nice reassuring affirmation for kids to know their parents/Mum will always love them.

Mini-Me was busting for him to get it out, “Come on Finn, she’s your Mum. You can trust her! Just tell her why you feel the way you do!”

Finn repeated the words the driver had spoken. He said he did not understand them but he felt very uncomfortable and confused when he mentioned private parts of the body.

OK. Now we’re getting to why Finn is upset but there has been so much left out it’s also confusing. Find a way to tell us more about this situation without giving away too much detail which would be inappropriate.

He had never heard some of the other words but he just knew they were bad. Finn threw his arms around his Mum’s neck and said, “All l I could think of was good and bad secrets. You always say bad secrets should never be kept! I just knew Mum, I knew it was a bad secret.”

The concept of “good and bad” secrets needs to be made clear long before this comes out. It assumes the young reader already knows what a good or a bad secret is.

Introduce your character right away and show us who/what they are. Then the action takes place and from there the lesson and transformation occur. Right now you’re jumping to the lesson/message part without giving us any insight into Finn and his family.


Finn’s mum agreed the bus driver, as friendly and as caring as he seemed, had acted irresponsibly. Finn was right to feel the way he did. It was inappropriate. Finn was able to see the bus driver had not done the right thing. Finn was very disappointed and sad somebody he liked had treated him that way. Most importantly, Finn could see it was not his fault. He got support from his family to overcome the sadness and visited the school Chaplain to help him deal with his emotions.

**Remember to keep Mum either capitalized or not throughout the story. Right now, it keeps changing.

OK… so Finn’s Mum says the driver acted “irresponsibly”and it was “inappropriate”and then Finn has to see the Chaplain to deal with his emotions.

I don’t get it. All we know is that the bus driver said a few words that Finn didn’t understand and made him feel uncomfortable. There hasn’t been enough established for us to fully appreciate what kind of violation (if any) took place. Right now, Finn just seems like a drama queen looking for attention.

If you’re going to tackle something as serious as child sexual abuse then you’re going to have to go there and not dance around it. Obviously you can’t get too graphic but at the same time kids have to understand what the subject matter is.


Today, Finn is much older and Mini-Me is his most trusted friend. Finn look’s back and can see how Mini-Me alerted him to a situation that may have placed him in danger. He was very courageous in speaking out. Finn learned there are always consequences for our actions. The bus driver was replaced by Frank, a jolly old fellow who values and cares for all the kids who ride the bus.

So, Finn tells the Chaplain about his discomfort over words and the bus driver (who is never given a name) is replaced by Frank who is jolly and cares about all the kids.

Whaaa..? It’s getting unclear and confusing. It’s the last thing you want.

Didn’t the other bus driver care about the kids? Finn liked him for awhile and thought he was nice… and then he didn’t. It’s too nebulous. We need a clear message here.

It was very difficult time for Finn. His Mum calls it a “life lesson”.

One thing Finn knows for sure, without a doubt, Mini-Me is real! He is glad to have his very own inbuilt and powerful super-hero, Mini-Me, to guide him every day.

Get to know Mini-Me. Get to know him or her, super-heroes can be boys or girls! Learn to hear and feel it. Mini-Me will be the best friend you will have for the rest of your life!

It hasn’t been established that Mini-Me is a super-hero or heroine. Not enough has happened for Mini-Me to conquer.

So.. in my opinion this story really, really needs to be redone before going public.

I applaud you for wanting to tackle the issue of child molestation and placing so much importance on our instincts/inner voice to save us from predators.

However, the 2 biggest problems I see are the name Mini-Me and the fact that there is no real issue established.

I would suggest starting the story with Finn on the bus and show us how the relationship with the driver (give him a name) starts out good and then goes bad. All while walking that incredibly fine line between teaching and creeping everyone out.

And…. please, please, please, abandon the use of the term Mini-Me. It’s already in our lexicon and will be a barrier to carrying your message.

I think a fun made up name will get your point across much better. Kids love silly things that can anchor them to something real and tangible. It’s the kind of imagery that makes old fairy tales stick in our minds for a lifetime.

I hope this critique has helped and if you have any questions please contact me directly at:

Wishing you much imagination…

Thank you for reading.

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In fact, take a look at the first few sins and then get the WHOLE ebook for just a few dollars!

editing critique, a story on nutrition and healing,Part Memoir/Part Self Help

A Story on Nutrition & Healing – Part Memoir/Part Self Help – Editing Critique

Here is a Story on Nutrition & Healing – Part Memoir/Part Self Help

Hi, as part of my editorial review I will offer grammatical, punctuation and spelling corrections, as well as, give my opinions throughout your work. My comments will always be in dark pink.

The body is the most impressive and mysterious machine ever built. It can make you do something close to impossible as long as your mind can picture you doing it. When I was a track and field athlete in high school, my body never failed to amaze me. Whenever I had a race to win I felt like the cells in every muscle in my legs worked double to pump the energy through my legs to keep me going. It’s an astounding thing to discover how much air your lungs can pump to help you survive and win a race. The human body is the most efficient, flexible and competent machine ever created. OK… I get the gist of what you’re saying in this paragraph but it’s written in an awkward fashion. The thing that sticks out for me, is the fact that you were an athlete in high school and astounded by your own body’s capacity to exert itself. Start with that. Remember that readers don’t want to be preached to. If someone reads your work they will probably be of like mind. They will either be in good health and already take care of themselves or they’re out of shape and looking to improve their health dramatically. So speak to them as a peer with a story to tell. They want to hear what you have to say. Stories teach us things without proselytizing. That’s why they can be so powerful. Concentrate on your story and you will have a winner.

On the flip side, the body is also such a mystery that sometimes it just shuts down or malfunctions without any warning bells to caution you. One moment I was running the race of my life and then with just a puff of air from my lungs, I was a physical and mental collapse. I was a walking visual representation of the signs and symptoms of fatigue, severe depression, insomnia, mental fog and physical meltdown. Really? Explain this to us. If you are a teen in high school playing sports and suddenly become fatigued with severe depression… this is big news! Not many people will have had such a dramatic shift, but could still relate to the exhaustion and depression. Give us more details. Tell us your story.

It felt like I was once a sturdy mansion, but now I am a dilapidated crumbling old house. That was my dark phase, but I soon found the motivation to get up on my feet and put my amazing machine back to work. I really like the analogy of the houses. It provides a great visual. However, you’re writing is a bit awkward. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s coming out in a hard-to-read way.  

I began eating healthy. Allowing only organic and healthy foods on my plate. After a few weeks of getting back on the healthy track, I instantly felt the difference. I discovered that proper nutrition is a huge help for maintaining a sound mind and body. Again, this is good in terms of telling us your story but it’s still awkward. You’re definitely going in the right direction though.

My mother was right when she told me to eat my veggies back when I was a kid. I now only eat organic foods fresh from the farm. I have realized that it was my fault that my body had just turned off. My high consumption of sugar pushed the cells in my body to their limit.

You are what you eat. Cliched but true… I have proven this with my battle to getting my healthy body back. If you eat all those fatty and processed foods, you are feeding yourself with toxins and chemicals that would result to your own degradation. But if you make eating healthy a part of your everyday life, you are prolonging your body’s capacity. Yes, again most of your writing is not incorrect… just difficult to read. It must flow for the reader. We read in our heads differently than how we speak. A writer’s work must reflect that. Start thinking about rhythm within your writing. You’ll start to choose words and structure sentences in a way that’ll be easier for the reader to process.

Nutrition is not just the only factor that helped me gain back my old self. Chiropractic played a large role in getting me back to my original physique. Chiropractic is a health profession which involves adjustments of the body’s framework to correct misplacement of bones, pains and also to restore the body’s healthy condition. Chiropractic focuses on the skeletal and muscular system, as well as, the nervous system. Chiropractic is common for stroke patients, athletes with injuries or people with degenerative diseases.

I’ve been broken physically, emotionally and mentally. However, excellent nutrition and chiropractic care helped me to gain not just my body back, but also my spirit.

Ok.. you’re definitely on the right path here. You’re starting to tell your story. We need more detail though.

It’s always a good idea to start any piece of writing in the middle of some type of action.

Why not start this with you as a teenager at the start of a race? Fill us in. We don’t know exactly what sport you’re playing though. You’ve only told us that you were a track and field athlete.

Fill us in on the details. You could tell us about coming around the corner in a 400 meter race… with the wind in your hair. The sound of the crowd; distant. The beating of your strong, young heart pounding in your head. The force of energy pumping through your legs like fuel, pushing you ahead as you fly around the bend.

Now, with less than 30 meters to go, just two runners threaten your win. You’re breathing fire at this point, but dip down and ask for more. Your body responds with a slight kick as it jolts you ahead of one your foes. Your body is aching and racked with pain, but still you find yourself in a jet stream of energy that carries you on. This energy, built through long hours of practice… has trained  you for this agonizing moment. In your peripheral vision you see your last obstacle waning as you rocket toward the finish line.

Determined to be the first, you focus on a point 20 meters past the finish line, allowing it to pull you to the end like a laser on a high powered rifle. You’re gonna snipe this win…


OK… the above is an example of how you can offer your story and then tell us how you found your way back. Intersperse your real life story with real life information. The “real life” stuff being the good nutrition and chiropractic care and so on.

I read through the other docs you sent and for now I would concentrate on improving your writing skills. I wouldn’t worry too much about an ebook right now unless you want someone to ghostwrite it for you. That however, could be very expensive.

If you want to start getting your writing out into the world then a blog is a good start. You can also peruse forums and give your opinions there and leave a link to your site. Start connecting with other bloggers and online magazines that you could write an article for. They could be very helpful in getting your story noticed.

OK… I hope that helps. All the best.


Wishing you much imagination…

Other posts you might like are:

Developmental Editing Example – “Bedtime Battle”

“Spike’s Planet” – A Difficult Edit For Metered Rhyming Verse For Kids

Love Old Fairytales? Me too… take a look at this Favorites List

Adelina’s Wings – Children’s story book edit

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editing example, adelina's wings

‘Adelina’s Wings’ – Editing Example


I like to go through a writer’s work as any first time reader would so, my comments will reflect that. Take note that my corrections and comments will always be in dark pink. Additionally, please view this editing example along side the original as there be many deletions which obviously can’t show up in dark pink. 🙂

OK… let’s get started….

Davis / Adelina’s Wings – I like this title. It’s sounds as if a little girl will fly away at some point. I already feel like I have a small sense of what the story is about. That’s good. Titles should reflect the content of the story.

Once upon a time there lived a little bluebird whose name was Adelina. She had been born without wings, but her feathers were as soft as a cloud and her eyes were the very same colour as the bluebells that blossomed every summer.

Ok… this is quite a strong first paragraph.

However, to give it more impact you could rearrange the delivery of the information. For example…

“Many years ago… there lived a little bluebird named Adelina. Her eyes were the same color as the bluebells which blossomed every summer and her blue-brown feathers were soft as a cloud. Adelina was the prettiest little bird in the meadow except, she’d been born without wings.”

So, this is basically the same info.

However, by waiting to tell the reader Adelina had no wings at the end of the paragraph, gives it more drama. Think rhythm in your writing. We speak differently than we read. Begin to understand how a reader takes in and processes a writer’s work.

Also, “Once upon a time” is tired, old and done.

However, you’ve introduced Adelina in quite a strong way and I’m already feeling pulled in by the story.

One day, Adelina was playing in the spring water when she heard a voice call out, “Oh no!”

Adelina looked up and saw The Three Fairies of the Willow Tree. They looked so worried! “Our enchanted ruby has fallen into the spring and we cannot find it!” The Green Fairy said.

“I see it,” Adelina told them, “It’s underneath that twig!” She bent over and moved the twig out of the way with her beak. Then she picked up the ruby and hopped over to the fairies.

“Thank you so much!” The Pink Fairy said. “To show how grateful we are, we shall give you a gift.”

“We know of your wish for wings,” The Blue Fairy said, “But wings are very special, so they are hard to come by. Take this seed, plant it and from that seed shall grow a fluffy creature who will be as wonderful a friend to you as you have been to us.”

Adelina scratched a little hole in the ground right there by the spring and dropped the seed in. The seed did in fact grow to be a fluffy creature. That creature was called “Pweeble.” He lived in the forest with Adelina inside her nest of daisies and rose petals.

The creature “was called” Pweeble? Did Adelina name him?

As an example, I’ve added the first sentence as clarity. Small details like this add a lot for the reader. A reader builds the scene in their head as they read your story.

They needed to visualize where the seed was planted and how Adelina planted it to make it a clearer scene in their imaginations.

Pweeble sat with Adelina every morning, watching her friends fly from the branches. “I wish we could fly together!” he would say.

Adelina sighed. “Me too, Pweeble,” she said.

Later that morning, Adelina was using her beak to tidy up her nest. “What do you love most about your home?” Pweeble asked.

“Well, I love how it keeps me warm on chilly nights,” Adelina replied.

When Adelina had finished tidying up, it was time to have breakfast. “What do you love most about your mornings?” Pweeble asked.

“I love waking up to your funny singing!” Adelina said with a giggle. Pweeble chuckled too. He liked to sing very high notes.

When breakfast was finished, it was time for Adelina to brush her feathers. “What do you love most about being a bird?” Pweeble asked.

“I may not have wings,” Adelina said, “but I am very good at building nests, hopping around, and chirping. And I’m a very happy little bird, with a very lovely little friend! I am glad about so many things.”

“Adelina…” Pweeble began, “can we please visit The Willow Tree Fairies now?”

“Of course, Pweeble!” Adelina said, and they made their way to the big willow tree.

OK.. a lot of this is a really nice interaction between Adelina and Pweeble.

2 things strike me as I read it…. The actions are very ordinary pedestrian tasks and why the heck is that bird named “Pweeble.”

It’s important to put a lot of action into any story and you’ve done a pretty good job of that so far. It’s just that kids love an adventure. You’ve already created a world where birds and fairies talk to each other… keep it unusual and adventurous.

Also, since the fairies don’t have “real” names then their titles become their names. Therefore they are capitalized.

“Hello Adelina! Hello Pweeble!” The Pink Fairy said. “We have a surprise for you, Adelina. Take Pweeble to the spot in the middle of the forest where the light is magical and put him under the sunbeam. There he will change into his true form.”

Adelina and Pweeble were very excited. Pweeble knew exactly what was about to happen, even if Adelina did not. Soon they reached the spot in the forest, where the sunshine was bright and the plants and flowers looked so friendly.

After Pweeble hopped into the sunlit spot a curious thing began to happen. The sunshine became so brilliant that Adelina could barely see him and a glittering mist began to swirl around him.

Slowly, the light became clear and the mist began to disappear. Where was Pweeble?

Adelina rushed towards the sunlight. When she stood underneath it she felt a tingle on her sides. She looked at her sides and saw a pair of beautiful blue wings!

“Pweeble? Where are you?” Adelina called out.

OK, this is getting really fun and is a great example of what a children’s book can be.

Pweeble is “giving” his wings to Adelina. Just be careful of the over use of commas.  

“I am here!” Pweeble’s voice called out. It sounded very close. Adelina turned around, but she could not see him. “I’m right here!” he said again as if he was standing right next to her! She was sure his voice was coming from her new wings.

“Is that you, Pweeble?” Adelina asked her wings.

“Yes, Adelina,” he said, “and now we can fly, like we always wanted!” Adelina jumped up and down with joy. Pweeble began to flutter the wings and Adelina lifted off the ground. OK.. “we??” There is no mention that Pweeble can’t fly and that he has been longing to. Please make this clearer.

Soon they were flying through the trees, and Pweeble began singing in the same funny, high-pitched way he did every morning.

Adelina giggled, “I love you so very much, Pweeble.”

OK… this is a nice story.

I like how it ends and I like a lot of the interaction between Pweeble and Adelina.

To make it stronger… show us more interaction between these two. They are best friends and Pweeble was created for Adelina.

That’s a big deal.

It would be nice to see even more of their dynamics within the relationship… and give us as much action as you can pack in.

I like how Adelina is a happy little bird in spite of the fact she was born without wings.

That’s a strong theme and great message that can ( and should) be emphasized even more. Adding humor is always good too.

Small details can add a lot to any story without dragging it out. I’d love to know a little bit more about the Three Fairies. They seem quite magical. All in all you’ve done a very good job here.

I would suggest running this through some free readability software online to determine the age range you have written for. Then I would suggest getting to know the children’s book market if you intend to sell. Most kids books have an audience with no more than a 2-3 year age span.

I encourage you to find some good illustrations and tighten up the story a bit and you’ve got a good one here. I genuinely hope my critique has been helpful. If you would like to contact me directly please do so at:  

You may want to check out other editing examples below…

‘My Mom’s A Ninja’

‘Spike’s Planet’

‘Afternoons With Seeya’

‘Croc’s Crust’




If you’d like to know how to avoid mistakes before writing your kids book checkout myhow to write a childrens books, 7 deadly sins of writing childrens books, editor, be a better writer audiobook... and ebook…

The 7 Deadly Sins of Writing Childrens Books

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