Sneak Peak Critique©:
What You Hate
By Joshua Scribner – [Psychological Thriller]
Sneak Peek Critiques are all about the importance of getting your reader’s attention immediately.
Especially, the first 8 sentences.
I’ve chosen to review a variety of self published ebooks from platforms such as SMASHWORDS.com.
Here is the Sneak Peek Critique of:
What You Hate By Joshua Scribner – Psychological Thriller
“Is everything okay, Jeni? You have that look.” – These are two short lines so I’m counting them as one.
Ronald’s voice had that quality voices took on in the bar, where the person speaking was right beside you, shouting, but sounded like they were in the other room, shouting. – Second sentence
He only sounded like that when the juke box was playing, which was all the time at Ron’s Bar and Grill. – 3rd Sentence
Jeni looked around. There were people in the bar area drinking, talking and carrying on. – 4th Sentence – 2 short sentences I’m counting as one.
She couldn’t see the pool table area, but she knew guys were back there. – 5th Sentence
She could see the dart board area and all those boards were occupied. – 6th Sentence
There was nothing wrong that she could see. – 7th Sentence
Even though she couldn’t see the pool area, she would be able to tell if there was a fight or something, because the dart people would be abandoning their games to watch. – 8th sentence
OK… Good first line. It’s dialogue. It says something about Jeni who may be a peripheral character or perhaps the main character. It does suggest that the speaker has a fairly close relationship with her. So far, I want to read more.
Ok… yikes. In the second line we’ve got versions of the words ‘voice’ and ‘shout’ twice EACH in ONE sentence.
In general, sentences 2 and 3 are really wordy. It’s a long way of saying Ron’s the owner of the local bar and grill who shouts over the juke box… all the time.
Now sentences 4, 5 and 6. Again… lots of words to say that Jeni is suspicious of something. Although everything in the bar looks fine. It doesn’t move the story forward much. That’s a literary death.
Every word and every sentence needs to either reveal more of a character or move the plot forward. If it doesn’t do at least one of those two things… cut it.
Although, I like the play between short and longer sentences. It creates a type of rhythm or even style when it’s done with a certain intention.
Okay, the author is telling us what he just told us here in sentences 7 and 8. Redundancy is another newbie tendency.
Remember: Every word and every sentence needs to either reveal more of a character or move the plot forward. If it doesn’t do at least one of those two things… cut it.
Another point about the formatting of the pdf. The cover was NOT included and the lines were single spaced. These are unnecessary and very easily fixed newbie mistakes.
For a book which is a short story of 4210 words there should be at least an introduction and perhaps a simple TOC.
Does the writing make you want to keep reading? The answer is: Maybe
I like much of this premise. It could be much more intriguing if the author let us know more about who Jeni is and what type of drama she is in the middle of. You can and should give the reader relevant drama every chance you get.
Thank you for reading this Sneak Peek Critique of What You Hate by Joshua Scribner
Sneak Peek Critique© Video below…
I wish you many imaginative tales.