editing critique, a story on nutrition and healing,Part Memoir/Part Self Help

A Story on Nutrition & Healing – Part Memoir/Part Self Help – Editing Critique

Here is a Story on Nutrition & Healing – Part Memoir/Part Self Help

Hi, as part of my editorial review I will offer grammatical, punctuation and spelling corrections, as well as, give my opinions throughout your work. My comments will always be in dark pink.

The body is the most impressive and mysterious machine ever built. It can make you do something close to impossible as long as your mind can picture you doing it. When I was a track and field athlete in high school, my body never failed to amaze me. Whenever I had a race to win I felt like the cells in every muscle in my legs worked double to pump the energy through my legs to keep me going. It’s an astounding thing to discover how much air your lungs can pump to help you survive and win a race. The human body is the most efficient, flexible and competent machine ever created. OK… I get the gist of what you’re saying in this paragraph but it’s written in an awkward fashion. The thing that sticks out for me, is the fact that you were an athlete in high school and astounded by your own body’s capacity to exert itself. Start with that. Remember that readers don’t want to be preached to. If someone reads your work they will probably be of like mind. They will either be in good health and already take care of themselves or they’re out of shape and looking to improve their health dramatically. So speak to them as a peer with a story to tell. They want to hear what you have to say. Stories teach us things without proselytizing. That’s why they can be so powerful. Concentrate on your story and you will have a winner.

On the flip side, the body is also such a mystery that sometimes it just shuts down or malfunctions without any warning bells to caution you. One moment I was running the race of my life and then with just a puff of air from my lungs, I was a physical and mental collapse. I was a walking visual representation of the signs and symptoms of fatigue, severe depression, insomnia, mental fog and physical meltdown. Really? Explain this to us. If you are a teen in high school playing sports and suddenly become fatigued with severe depression… this is big news! Not many people will have had such a dramatic shift, but could still relate to the exhaustion and depression. Give us more details. Tell us your story.

It felt like I was once a sturdy mansion, but now I am a dilapidated crumbling old house. That was my dark phase, but I soon found the motivation to get up on my feet and put my amazing machine back to work. I really like the analogy of the houses. It provides a great visual. However, you’re writing is a bit awkward. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s coming out in a hard-to-read way.  

I began eating healthy. Allowing only organic and healthy foods on my plate. After a few weeks of getting back on the healthy track, I instantly felt the difference. I discovered that proper nutrition is a huge help for maintaining a sound mind and body. Again, this is good in terms of telling us your story but it’s still awkward. You’re definitely going in the right direction though.

My mother was right when she told me to eat my veggies back when I was a kid. I now only eat organic foods fresh from the farm. I have realized that it was my fault that my body had just turned off. My high consumption of sugar pushed the cells in my body to their limit.

You are what you eat. Cliched but true… I have proven this with my battle to getting my healthy body back. If you eat all those fatty and processed foods, you are feeding yourself with toxins and chemicals that would result to your own degradation. But if you make eating healthy a part of your everyday life, you are prolonging your body’s capacity. Yes, again most of your writing is not incorrect… just difficult to read. It must flow for the reader. We read in our heads differently than how we speak. A writer’s work must reflect that. Start thinking about rhythm within your writing. You’ll start to choose words and structure sentences in a way that’ll be easier for the reader to process.

Nutrition is not just the only factor that helped me gain back my old self. Chiropractic played a large role in getting me back to my original physique. Chiropractic is a health profession which involves adjustments of the body’s framework to correct misplacement of bones, pains and also to restore the body’s healthy condition. Chiropractic focuses on the skeletal and muscular system, as well as, the nervous system. Chiropractic is common for stroke patients, athletes with injuries or people with degenerative diseases.

I’ve been broken physically, emotionally and mentally. However, excellent nutrition and chiropractic care helped me to gain not just my body back, but also my spirit.

Ok.. you’re definitely on the right path here. You’re starting to tell your story. We need more detail though.

It’s always a good idea to start any piece of writing in the middle of some type of action.

Why not start this with you as a teenager at the start of a race? Fill us in. We don’t know exactly what sport you’re playing though. You’ve only told us that you were a track and field athlete.

Fill us in on the details. You could tell us about coming around the corner in a 400 meter race… with the wind in your hair. The sound of the crowd; distant. The beating of your strong, young heart pounding in your head. The force of energy pumping through your legs like fuel, pushing you ahead as you fly around the bend.

Now, with less than 30 meters to go, just two runners threaten your win. You’re breathing fire at this point, but dip down and ask for more. Your body responds with a slight kick as it jolts you ahead of one your foes. Your body is aching and racked with pain, but still you find yourself in a jet stream of energy that carries you on. This energy, built through long hours of practice… has trained  you for this agonizing moment. In your peripheral vision you see your last obstacle waning as you rocket toward the finish line.

Determined to be the first, you focus on a point 20 meters past the finish line, allowing it to pull you to the end like a laser on a high powered rifle. You’re gonna snipe this win…


OK… the above is an example of how you can offer your story and then tell us how you found your way back. Intersperse your real life story with real life information. The “real life” stuff being the good nutrition and chiropractic care and so on.

I read through the other docs you sent and for now I would concentrate on improving your writing skills. I wouldn’t worry too much about an ebook right now unless you want someone to ghostwrite it for you. That however, could be very expensive.

If you want to start getting your writing out into the world then a blog is a good start. You can also peruse forums and give your opinions there and leave a link to your site. Start connecting with other bloggers and online magazines that you could write an article for. They could be very helpful in getting your story noticed.

OK… I hope that helps. All the best.


Wishing you much imagination…

Other posts you might like are:

Developmental Editing Example – “Bedtime Battle”

“Spike’s Planet” – A Difficult Edit For Metered Rhyming Verse For Kids

Love Old Fairytales? Me too… take a look at this Favorites List

Adelina’s Wings – Children’s story book edit

ALL Social Media: https://linktr.ee/seekcraft1

Email: thewritersnexus@gmail.com




Childrens Book, a long journey, book edit, beta reader

‘A Long Journey’ – Childrens Book Editing Example

I will give you my impressions as a first time reader, as well as, offer comments for improvement and/or clarification in this childrens book edit. My words will always be in pink. Please note any deletions against the original. Let’s get started…

A working title is always a good idea to include with the manuscript. It helps the editor/beta reader to connect the title to the story. In essence, name your baby. You can always change the name later.

A Long Journey

I am a six year old girl from a small village in Thailand. I am going on a new adventure to America. To a new land. A land of freedom.

I am happy to be riding on a big plane towards America! We can only take what will fit on the plane. I am sad leaving so many things behind.

OK…. you mentioned you hadn’t written anything like this before. This beginning is what is often called an information ‘dump.’ Although I prefer the word ‘drain.’ This means that you’re telling us not showing us the story. It’s a very common mistake with new writers.

What you want to do is provide this information within the context of the character/s performing relevant action and dialogue. I’ve written an ebook precisely for writing issues like this. If you wanted to receive the ebook for free just go to https://thewritersnexus.com/ and sign up to be on the email list and it will be sent to you automatically.

I’ve written a book for new childrens book writers…  how to write a childrens books, 7 deadly sins of writing childrens books, editor, be a better writer

I am amazed that the airport is so busy! People are everywhere. Everything is moving so fast. The noises are loud. The lights are so bright. This place looks so different from the village! I am wondering how long the trip will take.

I have made it to America! The buildings and houses are so big. Things are moving around me quickly. I miss my friends, the school, and my village.

I miss my old life.

Is school the same in America, I wonder? Will the teacher be nice? Will I be able to understand what they are saying? Maybe they won’t be able to understand me? Will I be able to talk and play with the other kids? Will the teacher and students like me?

OK… so she’s a six year old girl from Thailand who took a plane to the US. Is she by herself? We know nothing about her at this point. Why is she here? We don’t know her name or anything about her circumstances.

All or most of that information should have been shared with us at this point within the context of action and dialogue.

I am brave! I am going to my new school. The school building looks so big! I am a bit scared to walk in, and I don’t want mommy and daddy to leave me. Tears well up in my eyes as my mommy and daddy hugged me goodbye. I am so alone, and feel small in this big place.

OK… so now suddenly she’s at the school? So she arrived at the airport with her parents and then suddenly she’s at school… hhmmmm.

Every good story follows this basic outline:

Introduction–> Rising Action–> Climax–> Falling Action–> Resolution

Without this basic storytelling structure you don’t have a story. You have a rough outline for a story.

I am thankful for my new teacher. The teacher said my name to the class. She smiled at me, and so did the other kids. Their smiles are beautiful. I understand their smiles.

I’m strong. The first few months of school have been tough. It is hard for me to understand what is happening. I really watch my teacher, and follow what the other kids are doing. At times, I feel lonely. I miss parts of my old life.

I’m growing. I feel like a baby sometimes trying to learn everything I can about this new place. My mistakes are helping me grow. I am learning something new everyday about my new life.

I am excited about living in America. It is beautiful here. I see and smell the beautiful fragrance of the flowers. Just like the flowers, I’m starting to come to life. My how things have changed for me. I have grown so much into my new life.

Well, Thailand is very beautiful too.

However, you haven’t told us what Thailand looks like or compared details of the two places. You’re assuming the reader will know what Thailand looks like and what parts of America have fragrant beautiful flowers. Since most places in the US don’t have lots of beautiful fragrant flowers… right?

I am a six year old girl from a small village in Thailand. It has been a long journey since I first came to America full of ups and downs. I am happy to be in this new place. I’ve learned that people won’t always remember what you do, but will always remember how you made them feel inside. I have a found a new place to call home. I am free.

Why is she free now? When was she caged? We don’t know. You haven’t told us. How is America full of ups and downs? You haven’t told us what they are. What is the new place? You’ve told us it’s America, but we don’t know which part specifically.

The part about people not always remembering what you do, but how you made them feel comes out of nowhere. There is no reference to it anywhere and seems like a large concept for a six year old.

In general, this is a good theme and plot line for a six year old audience. However, I encourage you to learn the storytelling basics.

Here is a quick example of how you could start the story and still include the information you provided…

***Frankie the Frog let out a big, “Ribbet! Look at these awesome pads! They don’t grow this big in Jersey,” and leapt to the nearest lily pad.

His best friend Johnny the Turtle and he had taken Frankie’s reptilian made Ferrari to the Great Florida Swamp Lands Reptile Academy where they were about to begin the semester. Frankie loved his ‘Frogerrari.’

“Woo hoo!” yelled Johnny. He was flipped onto his turtle shell doing the back stroke in the Great Florida Swamp.

The registration deadline was 4pm. If they missed it they wouldn’t be admitted and 3 years of planning would go down the drain.***


I’ll leave it there. Thank you. If my words have value in this childrens book critique please consider leaving positive feedback.


Wishing you much imagination…


Other posts you might like are:

Developmental Editing Example – “Bedtime Battle”

“Spike’s Planet” – A Difficult Edit For Metered Rhyming Verse For Kids

Love Old Fairytales? Me too… take a look at this Favorites List

Adelina’s Wings – Childrens book edit

ALL Social Media: https://linktr.ee/seekcraft1

Email: thewritersnexus@gmail.com