THIS IS ANOTHER EDITING SERVICE EXAMPLE WITH A MANUSCRIPT FROM A REAL CLIENT
Thank you for ordering my editing service. I will give you my impressions as a first time reader, as well as, offer comments for improvement and/or clarification. My words will always be in pink. Please note any deletions against the original. Let’s get started…
Editing Service Example of
Harley the Hummingbird’s Wonderful World
High up in the tallest tree, a tiny nest sways in the gentle rainforest breeze.
A beautiful Mummy hummingbird is putting her teeny tiny baby hummingbird chick to sleep.
Baby Harley is just 4 days old. She is too young to see clearly and not yet strong enough to fly.
OK… there is nothing really wrong about this beginning. Although there is nothing too exciting about it either. You are giving us information on the characters and their environment, but it’s made in statements. Think action and dialogue. People and creatures interact and we start to get to know them that way. Just telling us they did this or that is not engaging to a reader. You could say something like the following…
Baby Harley popped her four day old head up to look at the night sky. Their nest lay at the top of the tallest tree in the rainforest.
Mummy hummingbird ruffled her feathers and said, “Tsk, tsk, tsk. Back to bed little one. We’re off to the honeysuckle field tomorrow. You need your rest. – OR Whatever…
Do you see the difference? It’s the same information, but it allows the reader to start seeing these characters in their mind as they read. This is part of the advantage of my editing service. I offer real time examples.
One day Harley will grow up to be just as beautiful and amazing as her mum.
But she won’t have the same fantastic colours as her mum.
You see, Harley’s colours and pattern will be unique and special to her alone.
OK… you’re telling us about the colors before we even know anything about Harley and her mom or what they look like. You’re assuming everyone knows what a hummingbird looks like. Even if they do they want to read how YOU describe it. Get specific so your reader can see the scene in their minds as they read.
Harley is 3 weeks old today! Wow… from four days to 3 weeks in just a few sentences.
She can see very clearly now and her wings have grown strong.
Harley is super excited because today Harley will get to fly for the very first time.
Harley gives her wonderful wings a flap and …
WOOSH! Look at Harley go!
Harley zooms up and Harley zooms down.
Harley zooms forward and she even zooms backward.
Incredible Harley!
Harley’s mighty wings make a terrific humming sound.
They flap so fast that you can hardly see them. They look blurry!
Hooray for Harley!
Harley is very proud of her first flight.
Mummy hummingbird is delighted and gives Harley a loving hummingbird hug.
Just then, Harley’s tiny tummy goes ‘Grumble Grumble’.
So off she goes on her own to find some delicious food.
Harley has found a tasty flower and is drinking every last drop of sweet nectar.
Harley is busily drinking when something strange shakes the branch next to her.
OK… you’re leaving out an enormous amount of detail and skipping over key points in a hummingbird’s development. We need to know about the colors. Tell us what they look like. You say Harley drinks nectar from a flower… which flower? What nectar? How does she do that?
You’re assuming everyone knows what a hummingbird is and how they behave. It’s important to understand the value of your unique perspective as a writer. Tell us how YOU see it. If it’s done well we will see things we see every day in a different way because of your description and perception.
Think of cop shows and movies. They’re endless right? Cops are cops are cops. We know what they do, basically. Why are people not bored of all these cop stories? It’s the people involved and the challenges they face. They’re specific. No person or challenge is exactly the same as the other. Give us more of that unique detail. Statements are not very engaging for a reader. This is what I try to give all writers with this editing service.
OH MY GOODNESS!
It’s a chrysalis! And something is trying to break out.
Harley pushes and Harley pulls!
Harley nips and Harley nibbles!
Brilliant Harley!
The chrysalis bursts open.
And out pops a huge butterfly. Bright, brilliant and blue.
Hooray for Harley!
Does every child knows what a chrysalis is? Does every adult? Give us more detail.
The blue butterfly flutters his delicate wings softly on to Harley’s back.
Harley gets her first ever butterfly hug!
Just then, Harley’s little tummy goes ‘grumble grumble’.
So off she goes to find some more delicious food.
There’s Harley, happily snatching tiny bugs with her pointy beak.
But what’s that above Harley!?
YIKES!
It’s a glittery great green snake, trapped in the vines!
Harley twists and Harley turns!
Harley goes right side up and she goes upside down!
Brave Harley!
The vines come apart with a SNAP!
The snake is free!
Hooray for Harley! What just happened? Did Harley free the green snake from the vines? It’s not clear.
The great green snake gently wraps its body around tiny Harley.
Harley gets her first gentle snake hug!
Just then, Harley’s little tummy goes ‘grumble grumble’.
So off she goes to find more delicious food.
There’s Harley, busily nibbling tiny ants that she sees with her superb eyes.
What is all that excitement around Harley?
GOODNESS!
It’s a frantic flock of scarlet macaws caught in a trap!
Harley prods and Harley pokes!
Harley jiggles and she joggles!
Clever Harley!
The lock springs open with a CLICK!
The scarlet macaws are free!
Hooray for Harley!
OK… As part of this editing service, I need to get critical. I like that you keep giving Harley challenges to overcome that involve rescuing caught animals. Although there seems to be a lot of animals that are caught and we are now wondering where Harley’s mummy is.
The Macaws all surround Harley and rest their wide wings tenderly upon her.
Harley gets her first group Macaw hug!
Just then, Harley’s little tummy goes ‘grumble grumble’.
So off she goes to find more delicious food.
You’ve got to describe the Macaws better and how Harley gets them unstuck. Details! I always encourage details in my editing service.
There’s Harley, darting from one flower to the next, licking delicious nectar.
But what’s that strange shape near the pond below?
WOW!
It’s a purple tree frog. It’s trying to catch some pesky flies for its dinner.
Harley whirls and Harley twirls .
Harley zigs and she zags.
Helpful Harley!
Harley’s wings blow the flies with a WHOOSH! Straight into the purple frog’s little mouth
What amazing aim!
Hooray for Harley!
The purple tree frog rests its sticky toes on Harley’s shoulders.
Harley gets her first purple tree frog hug!
Just then, Harley bows her head and sees her own reflection in the pond.
Harley dances in the air and chirps loudly with delight.
Hooray for Harley!
Just then, Harley’s little tummy goes ‘grumble grumble’.
So off she goes to find more delicious food.
…And many more colourful adventures.
The End
OK… mummy was there at the start and then she just disappeared without reason. After that Harley goes on a rescuing spree, but we’re not sure why or how she comes across all these animals who need help and we’re not sure how she saves them. Harley does a lot of twisting and turning and zigging and zagging, but we’re not sure how that releases them.
This is a short story. What would make it stronger is if you introduced Harley in the beginning with her mom growing up in that 3 week period. Maybe there is a reason why Harley is such a rescuer. Maybe someone or her mum rescued her and now she is on a mission to save others. Or whatever.
Except instead of helping so many, why not help just one or two? Have them interact. Tell us more about the characters and how they react to each other. It’s best if they know each other. Then you can start dialogues that fill the reader in faster. It’s easier to get specific.
It’s not a bad story, but there are a lot of fundamental mistakes so many new writers make. Remember this basic outline:
Introduction–> Rising Action–> Climax–> Falling Action–> Resolution
I wrote an ebook that addresses the most common mistakes I see writers make when I offer this editing service.
I’ll leave it there. Thank you for ordering my editing service. If my words have value please consider leaving positive feedback. If you ever have any questions you can always contact me at the following email address. thewritersnexus@gmail.com
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